I told myself that when I started a blog, I wanted to insert my past thoughts- my fears, my rants, my struggles, and my joys. I wanted to do this so that I don't forget. I wanted to do this so that I remember to be thankful for the journey and growth within myself. I also wanted to do this in hopes that someone will learn from my mistakes, and preferably not the hard way. So here's to a little more that your average Throwback Thursday.

Today's #TBT comes from my Tumblr archive. Three years ago to the day, I wrote this long and gut-wrenching thing. (p.s. I use to hate using capital letters unless I truly meant it so that's the reason for that type of grammatical error.)

October 30, 2011

SO MUCH IS GOING THROUGH MY MIND RIGHT NOW THAT I CAN'T SLEEP. (this is about to get long. read at your own risk.)

for one thing, facebook/tumblr/instagram/etc. trollin’ is no good for me. it’s no good for anyone. it gets you into dangerous waters that you don’t wanna be in. it brings back memories, which bring back feelings, and in the end… you’re just hurt (again)… or at least you remember the pain that you once felt... like a scar of a reminder of what was once agony that killed your soul.

it’s just… so weird. seeing all these things. in retrospect, if i had known that i wasn’t… you know, gonna end up with him, or him, or him. i wouldn’t have given my whole heart to a relationship. i wouldn’t have given it my all. the “perfect” love story. the american dream. the college adventure. was it worth it? was he really worth it?

it sucks. when you’re in love… and you know you’ve been in love before. and you’ve said you’ve been in love before. it’s not easy. i know because i’m here. i’m in love. madly in love. and i’ve been in love twice before… and it’s hard. it’s not easy.

lorenzo and i talk about this sometimes. we understand that the past has gotten us to where we are today, but sometimes… just sometimes, we wish we were each other’s first kiss, we wish we were each other’s first love. we wished that we didn’t hurt before and no one has ever broken our heart. it would be easier. it would hurt less. well actually, it wouldn’t hurt at all. but now… it hurts. it hurts to tell someone you love that you felt somewhat the same for someone else at a different point in time.

when i first told lorenzo, i actually felt pain deep inside my soul. it pierced me. and when i looked into his eyes, i knew it hurt for him, too. i felt bad. like really bad. it’s my first time to realize how my past actions could actually hurt my future… or in this case, my present.

i look back to those “true love waits” type of sermons and conferences… and it’s only now that i understand it. i get it now why they tell us to wait. that they tell us not to give your whole heart away… because it’s really hard to get it back. and more importantly, get it back whole.

for me, it’s taken time, a lot of crying, a lot of asking God why, reaching low points, and reminding myself that i’m going to be okay… before i really was. the sucky thing was… all this pain and hardship could’ve been avoided if i just listened in the first place. i know i’m kinda stubborn, just like the rest of this generation, but i really hope someone learns from seeing my life from a third person point of view.

i hope someone, even just one, learns not to settle for second-best, compromise values and beliefs just because he sends you cute text messages and he hugs you tight. i hope you find out from my life that it’s actually better not to test the waters and just wait, than to try and hurt in the end. now, i’m not saying it always end bad, because it doesn’t. and i’m not saying cute texts and warm hugs aren’t nice, because they are. i’m simply saying… be careful. 

be careful who you give heart to, 

because picking up the pieces is hard,

and getting it back whole is even harder.

stress less. wait more.

and God will give you what you long for. (Psalms 37:4)

Sorry for the long read. Have a wonderful Thursday!

 -Gardenia Rose