May 4, 2013: I graduated from college.


It's already been that long ago, but it feels like it just happened. Bachelor's of Science in Nursing with a Minor in Business Administration. That sounds so serious. But ugh, look at me. I look so happy. Excited. As they say... bright-eyed and bushy tailed. The thing that I worked so hard for years was finally done. I have a degree. Looking at that photo, I have mixed feelings about it. Why? Because I'm not where I'm suppose to be I thought I would be.

I wrote this four years ago. We were six months into dating, two months being officially boyfriend and girlfriend, and madly crazy in love. I told him all the time, "you're the best." (and I still do!) Before I was ready to tell him those three intense words (you know which ones), that was my three-worded phrase of affection.

you're the best. 

i know i tell you this a lot… but i mean it.

you take care of me when i’m sick. you like the crazy me, the weird me, and even the vulnerable me. you remember the things even i don’t. you actually listen. you don’t care what other people think. you understand the things i have to do. you make me do my homework even if i don’t want to. you call me to tell me you miss me. you make sure i follow through with doctor’s appointments. you tell me that everything is going to be okay. you drive for me. you cook when i’m lazy. you let me sleep in your arms when i’m tired. you stay up with me just so i can finish homework. you give me massages. you let me vent and say things i can’t say to anyone else, and you don’t get crazy or judge me for it. you don’t get mad when i fall asleep on you when we’re watching a movie. you call just to say hi and tell me how much you care…

…and of course the list can go on.

honestly, i didn’t expect this. at all. i thought it would be some end of summer thing that was just gonna be fun because i was in the happy-go-lucky moment. but it’s almost spring now, and you’re still here. you’re still the same sweet guy that fearlessly put his arm around me, even if i rejected it a few times. i’m so glad i caved in and listen to my heart.

to the cookies and cream of my life… 

you’re amazing.

and baby, you da best. ;)

...and he still is. From the little things like filling up my gas tank, to the big things like holding me when I cry. He's the absolute best. I'm so blessed we found each other at an early age and God has blessed us with more time to spend forever together. I could not picture life without him. He's amazing.

Forever in love.
-Gardenia Rose

Lorenzo & I on May 2011.

This will be the first of many... but the first #TeamGardenZo throwback goes to April 27, 2010. Before I even knew this man existed, I wrote this small excerpt on my Tumblr which I thought would be interesting to share. It was called... intrigued.

INTRIGUED …of what summer is going to bring. i’m honestly extremely excited of what’s gonna happen in the summer. the uncertainty of it all, i have come to embrace it. i don’t exactly know what this summer will entail (though i have a slight estimate), and i’m beginning to be okay with that. it’ll be crazy exciting with a range of emotions, i’m sure. but whatever it is, i’m so down. so my sweet summer, bring it baby. i’m ready as i’m ever gonna be.

Weird right? This was a month and half before I even knew his name and I was telling summer to "bring it"... well obviously, now we know summer full on brought the house down and introduced me to the love of my life. lol. The funny thing was... the "slight estimate" I was referring to, wasn't what played out, wasn't what I thought it would be.

Well, like the saying goes... you never know. ;) That summer I was committed to letting my past go, not knowing that it would bring me to my future. (cheesy, i know. lol. but so true!) The year prior to meeting Lorenzo I was on such a roller coaster with everything-  a boy, close friends, school and even family. There were just lots of things happening in my life and I knew I had to just let things go so I can move forward.

When I chose to let all the negative go... I opened my life to new possibilities ...and that's when I met Lorenzo.

This weekend will mark a year- a year since Urijah Jay became an angel.

One of my close friends had the joy of bringing a child into this world. Urijah was born on June 4th of last year. He loved the heck outta that kid. He made lots of plans for Urijah and him. They were going to go to baseball games, play basketball, teach him about God, and all the things that a father dreams to do with their son. But God had a different plan. A plan we all couldn't quite grasp. Sometimes we don't understand Him and His ways, but we know His way is best... even if we can't comprehend it. I wrote this in December of last year after a song triggered an unleashing of emotion. I titled this blog, Heaven.

on Beyonce’s new album, there’s a song entitled Heaven. this song has grown to have so much meaning to me. every time i hear it, i think of Urijah Jay. i don’t like to talk about extremely private things on tumblr sometimes, especially if it’s not my matter, but i can’t help it this time. my heart cries. every time i hear this song. the lyrics go like this…

I fought for you

The hardest, it made me the strongest

So tell me your secrets

I just can’t stand to see you leaving

But heaven couldn’t wait for you

No heaven couldn’t wait for you

Heaven couldn’t wait for you

No heaven couldn’t wait for you

So go on, go home

We laughed at the darkness

So scared that we lost it

We stood on the ceilings

You showed me love was all you needed

"and heaven couldn’t wait for you…" when that repeats, all i see his Urijah’s face. in my head. his tiny smiles. through all the tubes. his light. that shined past the sedation. past the physical issues.

he wasn’t my child, but he’s my one of my best friends’ son. and since i’ve known jay since the 7th grade, we’re like family. and when family loses one of their own. it’s painful. and i know that if i hurt like this. i know Jay and Naomi hurt more. which makes my heart hurt all over again.

i know he’s in a better place. i know Jesus wanted him more than we wanted him here with us. but sometimes… it just hurts. sometimes, it’s just painful. they were preparing. we were preparing. for you to come home. i just didn’t think the home you wanted to go… wasn’t the one here with us.

sometimes i don’t understand how i feel so deeply for Urijah, but i do.  it’s a mix of everything. knowing Jay for so long. being the firstborn of our second family. knowing i have two siblings up there as well. i don’t know.

i just wish we had more time. i wish i had the courage to pick you up when i could. i wish i saw you more. i was just so fixed on you coming home. remembering the videos jay sent us of you looking at us wanting to go home. i just didn’t know the home you meant was heaven and not here.

Auntie G and Uncle Lorenzo miss you. your parents miss you. but we know you’re home. so it’s okay. go on, go home.

RIP Urijah Jay.

-Gardenia Rose

I told myself that when I started a blog, I wanted to insert my past thoughts- my fears, my rants, my struggles, and my joys. I wanted to do this so that I don't forget. I wanted to do this so that I remember to be thankful for the journey and growth within myself. I also wanted to do this in hopes that someone will learn from my mistakes, and preferably not the hard way. So here's to a little more that your average Throwback Thursday.

Today's #TBT comes from my Tumblr archive. Three years ago to the day, I wrote this long and gut-wrenching thing. (p.s. I use to hate using capital letters unless I truly meant it so that's the reason for that type of grammatical error.)

October 30, 2011

SO MUCH IS GOING THROUGH MY MIND RIGHT NOW THAT I CAN'T SLEEP. (this is about to get long. read at your own risk.)

for one thing, facebook/tumblr/instagram/etc. trollin’ is no good for me. it’s no good for anyone. it gets you into dangerous waters that you don’t wanna be in. it brings back memories, which bring back feelings, and in the end… you’re just hurt (again)… or at least you remember the pain that you once felt... like a scar of a reminder of what was once agony that killed your soul.

it’s just… so weird. seeing all these things. in retrospect, if i had known that i wasn’t… you know, gonna end up with him, or him, or him. i wouldn’t have given my whole heart to a relationship. i wouldn’t have given it my all. the “perfect” love story. the american dream. the college adventure. was it worth it? was he really worth it?

it sucks. when you’re in love… and you know you’ve been in love before. and you’ve said you’ve been in love before. it’s not easy. i know because i’m here. i’m in love. madly in love. and i’ve been in love twice before… and it’s hard. it’s not easy.

lorenzo and i talk about this sometimes. we understand that the past has gotten us to where we are today, but sometimes… just sometimes, we wish we were each other’s first kiss, we wish we were each other’s first love. we wished that we didn’t hurt before and no one has ever broken our heart. it would be easier. it would hurt less. well actually, it wouldn’t hurt at all. but now… it hurts. it hurts to tell someone you love that you felt somewhat the same for someone else at a different point in time.

when i first told lorenzo, i actually felt pain deep inside my soul. it pierced me. and when i looked into his eyes, i knew it hurt for him, too. i felt bad. like really bad. it’s my first time to realize how my past actions could actually hurt my future… or in this case, my present.

i look back to those “true love waits” type of sermons and conferences… and it’s only now that i understand it. i get it now why they tell us to wait. that they tell us not to give your whole heart away… because it’s really hard to get it back. and more importantly, get it back whole.

for me, it’s taken time, a lot of crying, a lot of asking God why, reaching low points, and reminding myself that i’m going to be okay… before i really was. the sucky thing was… all this pain and hardship could’ve been avoided if i just listened in the first place. i know i’m kinda stubborn, just like the rest of this generation, but i really hope someone learns from seeing my life from a third person point of view.

i hope someone, even just one, learns not to settle for second-best, compromise values and beliefs just because he sends you cute text messages and he hugs you tight. i hope you find out from my life that it’s actually better not to test the waters and just wait, than to try and hurt in the end. now, i’m not saying it always end bad, because it doesn’t. and i’m not saying cute texts and warm hugs aren’t nice, because they are. i’m simply saying… be careful. 

be careful who you give heart to, 

because picking up the pieces is hard,

and getting it back whole is even harder.

stress less. wait more.

and God will give you what you long for. (Psalms 37:4)

Sorry for the long read. Have a wonderful Thursday!

 -Gardenia Rose