Lately, I've been struggling. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. I'll tell you what I mean.

My life has decided to throw a curveball and give me cluster migraines and tension headaches. Since late March, It's just been getting worse and worse. Imagine waking up with what feels like someone pressing against the side and/or back of your head and attempting to go about your whole day that way. And that's a good day. The bad days feel like someone is knocking from inside my head trying to get out. Odd and somewhat creepy analogy, I know... but so true.

Most days aren't too bad. But some days are unbearable that I just do the minimum of what is absolutely required of me that day (usually on the weekend) or take an Excedrin and just try to tough it out. Knowing that I shouldn't take NSAIDs on a daily basis, I do this minimally and try what the professionals like to call non-pharmaceutical treatments. So far I've had three doctor appointments, have had my medications switched twice, attended a headache class and evaluation, and am now scheduled for a CT scan and an evaluation with my neurologist.

With all that's been happening, this obviously bleeds into my mental and emotional state of mind- attempting not to worry and trying to do just as much as I can to try to get my mind off the situation. Easy to say and very hard to do. If I'm left to my own idle business, it's a very dangerous and occasionally dark path. The negative thoughts begin to overflow my mind and those never lead to good things. So... I set my sights on other and more positive things. I spend time with family and friends, write music, go to church, have foodie dates, chill with my little Simba, and attend a young adults bible study group.

I mentioned earlier this year that I started going to bible study. We've been learning a lot and it's really allowed me to see another aspect of God that I didn't learn in Sunday School or youth group, which is awesome. Lately, we've been learning about who God is through the life of Joseph- his story and the trials he faced while still being faithful to God and the dreams that He gave him.

The "funny" thing about all this though is that earlier in the year, I've been asking God to give me more patience and not to be quick with anger. And in God fashion, he gives me lovely opportunities to be patient and not resort to anger. And on top of that, he provides a teaching that reminds me to stay faithful even in the tough times. How... timely isn't it? That's just who He is. The scripture that stands out to me the most and that hold onto is this...

"There’s more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we’re never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!"

I know that's a lot to take in, but I'm barely at the "developing passionate patience" portion of it all. I most definitely do not have a "tempered steel of virtue" quite yet. But, I am in the process. I'm allowing to let the troubles that I am currently facing in different aspects of my life teach me how I choose to react.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm not perfect, but God is doing a work in me. He is bigger and stronger than the struggles that I am facing, so I trust in Him. I have faith that he will see me, not out of it, but through it. He will make me better and stronger physically, mentally, and emotionally as the Holy Spirit pours into my life, just as the passage says, that even I can't contain it.

-Gardenia Rose

This verse is posted on the wall of my office. I see it five days a week. I see it so often that I disregard it. Well, until this week that is.

After a meeting, I looked, just stared at it, and read it to myself... a few times. Then, it hit me. I don't know if it was because I was emotionally struggling or because I was just deep in thought, or it may very well be a combination of both. But it hit me with a tidal wave of "Ohhhh, I get it."

You can plan. You can be organized. You can have a timeline for life. This is not a bad thing. You can dreams and visions. What you want to do in life. Who you want to be. Where you want to go. Having the "want" in your heart to do or be all these things is okay. It's what us, humans, are wired to do.
BUT. Yep, that's in there. There's always, a "but" right? In this case though, it's a good thing. God established the steps you make. He sets you up. Or as people usually say, he opens that door... or closes it.

What I got from it? God has you. Even if it's not going the way you planned, He has you. He's got you covered because he actually knows what is best for you.

When I came to this realization, it actually gave me a lot of peace. (Which I'll have to tap into every now and then.) But it truly did.

A few days later, I remembered how my pastors and spiritual mentors encourage me to always not only look at the verse, but look at the verse in its context. So I did.

Proverbs 16 is 33 verses long, with a LOT of great content, and intense ones at that. (Well, the whole bible does, but you know what I mean.) I rewound and started at the first verse to get the "context" for my verse.

The beginning of the chapter talks about how your intentions are your own, but that's why it always seems right, but it's not always actually right. They just seem like it's right because they're your ideas. They're your own opinions. Kinda like when you do something you thought was nice, but then it ends up being something not-so-great, and they say "well, it's the thought that counts!" or "your heart was in the right place!" Kinda like that. So it's saying... that even though I have the perfect, fool-proof plan for my life, God knows better. Because what I know to be perfect is defined by me... and not by God.

Now, the goal is to actually commit your plans to God and to trust in Him. Well That's what I got from verse three. Now what people misconstrue from verses like that is that they think "just tell God what you want and all of it will come to pass!" Hahahaha... no. You can't paint God to be a genie with infinite wishes. It doesn't work like that.


God is a just God, but it never says it'll be cake! But even if it isn't cake, going back to what I first learned... He has you. He has me. So trust Him. With everything. In everything.

Easier to say, harder to do, I know. It may be a daily struggle, but making a conscious choice to do so is a start. And the moment you wake up, that's a very good place to start.

-Gardenia Rose

If you knew me in my teens & my early twenties, you can say that I was definitely not the nicest person. It's sad, but it was true. I made fun of people. I subtweeted. I wrote ambiguous and indirect blogs. I'm not proud of it, but that's who I was. Then, there were people were unkind to me. Posted things I wish I never read. Said things I wish I didn't hear. And it became a vicious cycle of unkindness. I think that was my form of rebellion. My attitude. I didn't do drugs. I didn't wild out and go to crazy parties. I was just... not nice.

People who knew me from high school say that marriage tamed me. And it's true. It did. And I don't regret it. It's made me less selfish and has opened my eyes to see situations and circumstances that go beyond myself. It's definitely allowed for more humility in my life (I feel like that's a whole 'nother post), and that's just the truth.

Kindness, for me, doesn't mean that you care for others all the time, because caring for yourself is also important. I think... kindness is knowing that there is value in people, and respecting that. They might not think like you, look like you, act like you, or dress like you. But in my eyes, Jesus loves them nonetheless, so all that's left is to be kind.

Now, this... this is easier to say, and harder to do. (I think I said that in my patience blog as well... or something to the extent of that.) It's not exactly cake for me, because, like a lot of women, my mind has the ability to get extremely judgmental. I don't know why we're so wired that way (or at least I am), but we're born with a side-eye look. Forreal. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's speech is in an excerpt of Beyonce's "Flawless" and she says, "We raise girls to see each other as competitors, not for jobs or for accomplishments, which can be a good thing." And it's true, somehow, most of us grow up with that feeling that we have to compete with each other. So when we feel we have to compete, we judge, to make the other less, and to lift ourselves up. It's a horrid thing to do and it's hard habit to break.

Being actively kind takes work, but from experience, being kind gives peace to your soul. Making daily decisions not to be rude and not to be mean, actually makes you happier. It really does. (Watch, just try it.) And sometimes, the meanest people and the hardest people to be kind to are the ones who need it the most. And that's when it takes major effort. But that's when it's worth it.

The most important thing about kindness is knowing your worth... and know that the other person is just as important. God doesn't see them any less, and neither should you and me.


-Gardenia Rose

I'm known to have patience the size of a chia seed. If you know small a chia seed is, you'd know it's exactly that... small. I have (or should I say had?) known to go from zero to 100 real quick. too quick actually. But in this whole journey of trying to become the best version that I can be, I'm trying to grow my patience. So, with that said, I asked God for patience.

The funny thing about God is that when you ask him for something, he doesn't just give it to you and you magically have it. Requesting from God is not a fool-proof spell that instantly comes true the moment we ask for it. Since we have the gift of free will, God gives you opportunities to be the thing you ask for. And God has given me A LOT of opportunities lately.

In work, at home, with friends, with life, God is giving me opportunities to grow and nuture my patience. Sometimes, I succeed and sometimes I fail, but I try. The amazing this is, I'm noticing that God is allowing for growth to occur and it's really drawing me closer to Him.

For me not to admit that I still lose my cool, would be omitting the truth, because sometimes, I do. Then I see myself and the person I chose to become at that moment because of my actions and I do my best to correct that or just nip it altogether. Some days are easier than others. Some days, it takes slow breaths and listening to worship music. But I really do my best to try.. and that's best we can do right?


Pursuing patience,
-Gardenia Rose

Today is officially the last day that I am twenty five. Looking back at this past year, I can honestly say that the quarter life crisis is real and this struggle exists. And now, I'm happy to say I survived.

When I turned 25, I literally began to question my whole life. What am I doing with my life? Is this what I'm suppose to be doing? Was I meant to do something else? Am I the person I want to be? Am I living out my destiny? Sounds cliche, I know, but it's completely true. All these questions, constantly racing through my brain.

The first half of the year, I was determined to get out of the "rut" that I was in. Trying to find a new job, doing a bunch of things... but just trying to find an out from where I was currently in. I was desperate and determined... but for the wrong reasons. I was "asking" God for help and direction, but I didn't exactly allow him to direct me either. So naturally, in all things that you try to do on your own, you fail. And I fail, I did. Hardcore.

Then, something happened in the summer. On July 4th, I was singing during a service and God spoke to me. I was praying and praying hard. Telling him I need him. Telling him I couldn't do it on my own. Asking him pull through for me. I just kept praying and praying. So wrapped up in my prayer and constant talking to God. I was taken aback when I heard his voice.

It was clear as day. It wasn't loud, or daunting, but it was just... clear. I didn't see fire. I didn't see the clouds open. A light didn't shine at me. It wasn't like a whisper, but it was like someone just talked into my ear. It's hard to explain I guess, but the one word that describes his voice is the word clear. There's something trippy that goes on when you realize it's not something you dream up and psych yourself up for, God talking to you and all... It just happens. When you don't expect it, but when you need it most. He told me that he was already there for me. That I need to let Him be there. Let Him do what he needs to do in my life.

So I am. I'm trying. Being human, it gets difficult, and you fail (a lot), but I told myself that I just need to be the best version of myself that I can be. Everyday. And just keep going. Keep moving forward. I still make mistakes. Things still get to me. Some things are still painful. Some memories still make me angry. But in my 25th year of life, I discovered that it's about the choice that you make. Your attitude is your choice. Your actions are your choice. So I try to make that choice everyday. The right one. There's days that I slip up. Sometimes, I have to make that conscious choice more than once a day, but I do my best to make it.

This is by far the most humbling and eye-opening year for me. If I could describe my 25th year in a phrase, it would simply be personal growth. In this year of life, my circumstance didn't change... but I did. I'm choosing to listen to God. I'm choosing to trust God. I'm choosing to be at peace... with whatever happens.

"Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you." -Deuteronomy 31:8 (NLT)

I'll tell you my life isn't perfect, because it really isn't. Nothing is ever peachy keen. But what I can say is... I'm happy. I feel blessed. I really do. and most of all... I'm at peace. So with all that said, I think I can say... crisis averted.


-Gardenia Rose

I really don't like getting told what to do. I mean, no does right? For me, I already know it's because I'm humanly stubborn that I just don't wanna hear it. Sometimes though, my buttons get all greased up and are easier to push than usual. My fuse is as short as a toothpick. My patience is lost in Neverland and I'm too old to go and get it back. And I snap.