This weekend will mark a year- a year since Urijah Jay became an angel.

One of my close friends had the joy of bringing a child into this world. Urijah was born on June 4th of last year. He loved the heck outta that kid. He made lots of plans for Urijah and him. They were going to go to baseball games, play basketball, teach him about God, and all the things that a father dreams to do with their son. But God had a different plan. A plan we all couldn't quite grasp. Sometimes we don't understand Him and His ways, but we know His way is best... even if we can't comprehend it. I wrote this in December of last year after a song triggered an unleashing of emotion. I titled this blog, Heaven.

on Beyonce’s new album, there’s a song entitled Heaven. this song has grown to have so much meaning to me. every time i hear it, i think of Urijah Jay. i don’t like to talk about extremely private things on tumblr sometimes, especially if it’s not my matter, but i can’t help it this time. my heart cries. every time i hear this song. the lyrics go like this…

I fought for you

The hardest, it made me the strongest

So tell me your secrets

I just can’t stand to see you leaving

But heaven couldn’t wait for you

No heaven couldn’t wait for you

Heaven couldn’t wait for you

No heaven couldn’t wait for you

So go on, go home

We laughed at the darkness

So scared that we lost it

We stood on the ceilings

You showed me love was all you needed

"and heaven couldn’t wait for you…" when that repeats, all i see his Urijah’s face. in my head. his tiny smiles. through all the tubes. his light. that shined past the sedation. past the physical issues.

he wasn’t my child, but he’s my one of my best friends’ son. and since i’ve known jay since the 7th grade, we’re like family. and when family loses one of their own. it’s painful. and i know that if i hurt like this. i know Jay and Naomi hurt more. which makes my heart hurt all over again.

i know he’s in a better place. i know Jesus wanted him more than we wanted him here with us. but sometimes… it just hurts. sometimes, it’s just painful. they were preparing. we were preparing. for you to come home. i just didn’t think the home you wanted to go… wasn’t the one here with us.

sometimes i don’t understand how i feel so deeply for Urijah, but i do.  it’s a mix of everything. knowing Jay for so long. being the firstborn of our second family. knowing i have two siblings up there as well. i don’t know.

i just wish we had more time. i wish i had the courage to pick you up when i could. i wish i saw you more. i was just so fixed on you coming home. remembering the videos jay sent us of you looking at us wanting to go home. i just didn’t know the home you meant was heaven and not here.

Auntie G and Uncle Lorenzo miss you. your parents miss you. but we know you’re home. so it’s okay. go on, go home.