Last week, I went to lunch with Cea (aka Camille) and among our topic of conversations, she brought up that I hadn't been blogging lately. (My last blog was on May 6th!) So I figure I'd write a bit about what I've been up to. A lot has been happening... but more in my brain. But then a lot has happened irl too. Anyway, let's just get to it.

So... May. May was hectic, in a good way though. My sister and her family from Texas came to stay and we had SO much fun. She graduated with her Masters in Education from Vanguard University. To be honest, I have no idea how she tackled school with three kids (all 8 and under) and a husband who worked night shifts. But if I ever knew superwoman in the flesh, it'd be her.

Dear Me,

I have so much to tell you. So many things I wish someone would've said. So many things I wish you would've known. So here it is.

Be happy with who you are. Don't judge yourself by looking at the mirror and picking at the parts that you think are your flaws. Be happy with how God made you. Don't worry about not being tall enough, not being skinny enough, or not being pretty enough. Love yourself for who you are, for all that you are, exactly how God made you. And trust me, someone will come along who will wholeheartedly love you for just the way you are.

Listen. Don't be so stubborn and hardheaded, even though I know how hard that is for you. I know you think they're just trying to tell you what to do, but they're actually really looking out for you. We really do have your best interest at heart. They don't want to see you get hurt. They don't want to see you cry. they don't want you to make those mistakes. So the least you can do is listen. Don't shut them out. Listen.

Don't judge other people. I know that's hard for you, but at least try. You're not going to always have it together like you do right now, so be kind to others who don't have it together all the time. Help them or simply just be there for them. Everyone is different and just because they don't think like you doesn't mean their life route is wrong or their decision is wrong. To each their own.

Sometimes, it's not worth it. You know what I'm talking about. The drama. The pain. The emotional roller coaster. Figure out how to let it go and just move forward. Especially the ones or things that hurt you. It doesn't do anything, but eat away at your soul. I promise better things will come. Believe it or not, somehow, everything will be okay.

Don't freak out over friendships that are lost. They are meant to happen that way. Not everyone stays in your life forever and you can't force that. You'll meet new people. you'll have new friends. And like I've already said it's going to be okay.

Cherish your family. You'll do a better job at it later, but try to start earlier. Hang out with your parents more. Show your parents that you care. I already know that you do and I know that you love them, but they need to see it. Go over their house, call them, text them, and FaceTime them. Call your sister more often. Someday she won't be as near as you want her to be so don't take her for granted. Your sister's kids will grow up fast and you'll feel like you missed out on a lot. But just try to be there as much as you can. Take lots of pictures with them and make lots of memories. Someday you're going to have in-laws. Be kind to them. Love them like your own.

Lastly, love yourself. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are honestly doing the best you can... so don't beat yourself up. It's okay to cry and be sad, but don't be distraught for long. Get up and move forward. Life is not always going to be perfect, but happiness is always a choice. Jesus loves you. Your family loves you. Your friends love you. So you should too.

Be happy. Stay positive.

Love,
Me

People always ask me why I do it. I definitely don't get paid to do it in any way shape or form, but it takes time out of my day. So it's always a question: Why blog?


From xanga blogs and myspace bulletins (remember those?), to tumblr posts and twitter tweets, I've always loved the idea of writing my thoughts down. I love the idea of having your thoughts down on something that can't be erased, or thrown away. But obviously, there's cons to that.

There was a time when some posts/tweets were more of rants than blogs. I would rant and rave, having this I-do-what-I-want attitude. (Oh boy.) And it was not healthy. As I've grown up from those teen years (and rebellious early 20's, yes that's a real stage), I see how that negative energy can literally s u c k the life out of you. So I've learned to distance myself from it.

Over time, I've come through the other side of that. (Sometimes, yes, I still slip, but I do try to keep myself in check... and when I don't, Lorenzo does and he's pretty good about that when he catches it.) In this whole journey of trying to be the best version of myself, I've come to find that putting the negative (judgy) energy out there is not going to reel in the positive vibes. Easier to say & harder to do, I know, but as long as your best is your best, it's all one can ask for.


Stay happy,
-Gardenia Rose

I've known Luis since I was the 9th grade. We had geometry class together. We became best friends in 2007 and though us and life have changed, we still remain close friends.

I asked him if there was a question that he wanted me to answer. He told he had one, but I had to take time to think about it... like really think about it. So I said would, and he asked:

Trolling. This needs to stop. Anonymous hateful comments. Snark remarks. Cynical sayings. Trying to cover it up and soften the blow with a "that's none of my business" meme of Kermit... when that's exactly what it is. None of your business. So if it's not nice or if it's ill-intended, just keep it to yourself. We don't need that in this world. We have bigger problems.
Subtweeting. Same as above. It needs to end. I must admit, I too have been guilty as charged when it comes to this, but I'm doing my best not to even post or say something that isn't beneficiary to life, whether mine or someone else's. As we all say, #TheStruggle, and yes I know all about it, but let's think before we tweet. "If it ain't cute, put it on mute."


Negative Self-Talk. "I'm not good enough. I'm not going anywhere." ... stop. You are more than enough. No one but ourselves become damaged and depressed from thinking and saying these things. We need to realize that in order for our lives to positive, we need to start within ourselves. We have to make a choice (sounds familiar?) to be positive and choose happiness. Some days are easier than others, but we can all make it through.

Shaming. Body-shaming. Fat-shaming. Food-shaming. (Insert here)-shaming. Nobody likes feeling bad for something. No one likes to feel bad for anything. But I also know it's not always easy to get along with everyone, no matter how hard we try. So instead, let's just be a little more polite towards one another. And if you need to say something about it, be constructive and be gentle with your words. Everyone is going through something. People just need a positive light and a helping hand, not a negative remark and a stab in the heart.

Stay positive, my friends.
-Gardenia Rose

Today is officially the last day that I am twenty five. Looking back at this past year, I can honestly say that the quarter life crisis is real and this struggle exists. And now, I'm happy to say I survived.

When I turned 25, I literally began to question my whole life. What am I doing with my life? Is this what I'm suppose to be doing? Was I meant to do something else? Am I the person I want to be? Am I living out my destiny? Sounds cliche, I know, but it's completely true. All these questions, constantly racing through my brain.

The first half of the year, I was determined to get out of the "rut" that I was in. Trying to find a new job, doing a bunch of things... but just trying to find an out from where I was currently in. I was desperate and determined... but for the wrong reasons. I was "asking" God for help and direction, but I didn't exactly allow him to direct me either. So naturally, in all things that you try to do on your own, you fail. And I fail, I did. Hardcore.

Then, something happened in the summer. On July 4th, I was singing during a service and God spoke to me. I was praying and praying hard. Telling him I need him. Telling him I couldn't do it on my own. Asking him pull through for me. I just kept praying and praying. So wrapped up in my prayer and constant talking to God. I was taken aback when I heard his voice.

It was clear as day. It wasn't loud, or daunting, but it was just... clear. I didn't see fire. I didn't see the clouds open. A light didn't shine at me. It wasn't like a whisper, but it was like someone just talked into my ear. It's hard to explain I guess, but the one word that describes his voice is the word clear. There's something trippy that goes on when you realize it's not something you dream up and psych yourself up for, God talking to you and all... It just happens. When you don't expect it, but when you need it most. He told me that he was already there for me. That I need to let Him be there. Let Him do what he needs to do in my life.

So I am. I'm trying. Being human, it gets difficult, and you fail (a lot), but I told myself that I just need to be the best version of myself that I can be. Everyday. And just keep going. Keep moving forward. I still make mistakes. Things still get to me. Some things are still painful. Some memories still make me angry. But in my 25th year of life, I discovered that it's about the choice that you make. Your attitude is your choice. Your actions are your choice. So I try to make that choice everyday. The right one. There's days that I slip up. Sometimes, I have to make that conscious choice more than once a day, but I do my best to make it.

This is by far the most humbling and eye-opening year for me. If I could describe my 25th year in a phrase, it would simply be personal growth. In this year of life, my circumstance didn't change... but I did. I'm choosing to listen to God. I'm choosing to trust God. I'm choosing to be at peace... with whatever happens.

"Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you." -Deuteronomy 31:8 (NLT)

I'll tell you my life isn't perfect, because it really isn't. Nothing is ever peachy keen. But what I can say is... I'm happy. I feel blessed. I really do. and most of all... I'm at peace. So with all that said, I think I can say... crisis averted.


-Gardenia Rose

I told myself that when I started a blog, I wanted to insert my past thoughts- my fears, my rants, my struggles, and my joys. I wanted to do this so that I don't forget. I wanted to do this so that I remember to be thankful for the journey and growth within myself. I also wanted to do this in hopes that someone will learn from my mistakes, and preferably not the hard way. So here's to a little more that your average Throwback Thursday.

Today's #TBT comes from my Tumblr archive. Three years ago to the day, I wrote this long and gut-wrenching thing. (p.s. I use to hate using capital letters unless I truly meant it so that's the reason for that type of grammatical error.)

October 30, 2011

SO MUCH IS GOING THROUGH MY MIND RIGHT NOW THAT I CAN'T SLEEP. (this is about to get long. read at your own risk.)

for one thing, facebook/tumblr/instagram/etc. trollin’ is no good for me. it’s no good for anyone. it gets you into dangerous waters that you don’t wanna be in. it brings back memories, which bring back feelings, and in the end… you’re just hurt (again)… or at least you remember the pain that you once felt... like a scar of a reminder of what was once agony that killed your soul.

it’s just… so weird. seeing all these things. in retrospect, if i had known that i wasn’t… you know, gonna end up with him, or him, or him. i wouldn’t have given my whole heart to a relationship. i wouldn’t have given it my all. the “perfect” love story. the american dream. the college adventure. was it worth it? was he really worth it?

it sucks. when you’re in love… and you know you’ve been in love before. and you’ve said you’ve been in love before. it’s not easy. i know because i’m here. i’m in love. madly in love. and i’ve been in love twice before… and it’s hard. it’s not easy.

lorenzo and i talk about this sometimes. we understand that the past has gotten us to where we are today, but sometimes… just sometimes, we wish we were each other’s first kiss, we wish we were each other’s first love. we wished that we didn’t hurt before and no one has ever broken our heart. it would be easier. it would hurt less. well actually, it wouldn’t hurt at all. but now… it hurts. it hurts to tell someone you love that you felt somewhat the same for someone else at a different point in time.

when i first told lorenzo, i actually felt pain deep inside my soul. it pierced me. and when i looked into his eyes, i knew it hurt for him, too. i felt bad. like really bad. it’s my first time to realize how my past actions could actually hurt my future… or in this case, my present.

i look back to those “true love waits” type of sermons and conferences… and it’s only now that i understand it. i get it now why they tell us to wait. that they tell us not to give your whole heart away… because it’s really hard to get it back. and more importantly, get it back whole.

for me, it’s taken time, a lot of crying, a lot of asking God why, reaching low points, and reminding myself that i’m going to be okay… before i really was. the sucky thing was… all this pain and hardship could’ve been avoided if i just listened in the first place. i know i’m kinda stubborn, just like the rest of this generation, but i really hope someone learns from seeing my life from a third person point of view.

i hope someone, even just one, learns not to settle for second-best, compromise values and beliefs just because he sends you cute text messages and he hugs you tight. i hope you find out from my life that it’s actually better not to test the waters and just wait, than to try and hurt in the end. now, i’m not saying it always end bad, because it doesn’t. and i’m not saying cute texts and warm hugs aren’t nice, because they are. i’m simply saying… be careful. 

be careful who you give heart to, 

because picking up the pieces is hard,

and getting it back whole is even harder.

stress less. wait more.

and God will give you what you long for. (Psalms 37:4)

Sorry for the long read. Have a wonderful Thursday!

 -Gardenia Rose