May 4, 2013: I graduated from college.


It's already been that long ago, but it feels like it just happened. Bachelor's of Science in Nursing with a Minor in Business Administration. That sounds so serious. But ugh, look at me. I look so happy. Excited. As they say... bright-eyed and bushy tailed. The thing that I worked so hard for years was finally done. I have a degree. Looking at that photo, I have mixed feelings about it. Why? Because I'm not where I'm suppose to be I thought I would be.

Because I LOVE making lists, I have a 2015 to-do list. As months have passed by, I kinda forgot all about that list... until today. Sam posted this on Facebook. (Now, I know I'm not thirty yet, but it's never to early to start right?) That post made me remember about this 2015 to-do list that I had for myself. My personal goals.

This year, one of my goals was to weigh 150 pounds. (This about to get reeeeeally personal.) October 2014, I weighed 163 pounds. I didn't like myself. I didn't like my body. I felt fat. I felt unhappy. I wasn't being good to it. I had the YOLO diet... every. single. day. So I decided to start making changes.

Eat (a little) better. Exercise more. You know, be the best version of myself that I can be. I wanted to make a change and I was determined to do so.

I wrote this four years ago. We were six months into dating, two months being officially boyfriend and girlfriend, and madly crazy in love. I told him all the time, "you're the best." (and I still do!) Before I was ready to tell him those three intense words (you know which ones), that was my three-worded phrase of affection.

you're the best. 

i know i tell you this a lot… but i mean it.

you take care of me when i’m sick. you like the crazy me, the weird me, and even the vulnerable me. you remember the things even i don’t. you actually listen. you don’t care what other people think. you understand the things i have to do. you make me do my homework even if i don’t want to. you call me to tell me you miss me. you make sure i follow through with doctor’s appointments. you tell me that everything is going to be okay. you drive for me. you cook when i’m lazy. you let me sleep in your arms when i’m tired. you stay up with me just so i can finish homework. you give me massages. you let me vent and say things i can’t say to anyone else, and you don’t get crazy or judge me for it. you don’t get mad when i fall asleep on you when we’re watching a movie. you call just to say hi and tell me how much you care…

…and of course the list can go on.

honestly, i didn’t expect this. at all. i thought it would be some end of summer thing that was just gonna be fun because i was in the happy-go-lucky moment. but it’s almost spring now, and you’re still here. you’re still the same sweet guy that fearlessly put his arm around me, even if i rejected it a few times. i’m so glad i caved in and listen to my heart.

to the cookies and cream of my life… 

you’re amazing.

and baby, you da best. ;)

...and he still is. From the little things like filling up my gas tank, to the big things like holding me when I cry. He's the absolute best. I'm so blessed we found each other at an early age and God has blessed us with more time to spend forever together. I could not picture life without him. He's amazing.

Forever in love.
-Gardenia Rose

Lorenzo & I on May 2011.

If you knew me in my teens & my early twenties, you can say that I was definitely not the nicest person. It's sad, but it was true. I made fun of people. I subtweeted. I wrote ambiguous and indirect blogs. I'm not proud of it, but that's who I was. Then, there were people were unkind to me. Posted things I wish I never read. Said things I wish I didn't hear. And it became a vicious cycle of unkindness. I think that was my form of rebellion. My attitude. I didn't do drugs. I didn't wild out and go to crazy parties. I was just... not nice.

People who knew me from high school say that marriage tamed me. And it's true. It did. And I don't regret it. It's made me less selfish and has opened my eyes to see situations and circumstances that go beyond myself. It's definitely allowed for more humility in my life (I feel like that's a whole 'nother post), and that's just the truth.

Kindness, for me, doesn't mean that you care for others all the time, because caring for yourself is also important. I think... kindness is knowing that there is value in people, and respecting that. They might not think like you, look like you, act like you, or dress like you. But in my eyes, Jesus loves them nonetheless, so all that's left is to be kind.

Now, this... this is easier to say, and harder to do. (I think I said that in my patience blog as well... or something to the extent of that.) It's not exactly cake for me, because, like a lot of women, my mind has the ability to get extremely judgmental. I don't know why we're so wired that way (or at least I am), but we're born with a side-eye look. Forreal. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's speech is in an excerpt of Beyonce's "Flawless" and she says, "We raise girls to see each other as competitors, not for jobs or for accomplishments, which can be a good thing." And it's true, somehow, most of us grow up with that feeling that we have to compete with each other. So when we feel we have to compete, we judge, to make the other less, and to lift ourselves up. It's a horrid thing to do and it's hard habit to break.

Being actively kind takes work, but from experience, being kind gives peace to your soul. Making daily decisions not to be rude and not to be mean, actually makes you happier. It really does. (Watch, just try it.) And sometimes, the meanest people and the hardest people to be kind to are the ones who need it the most. And that's when it takes major effort. But that's when it's worth it.

The most important thing about kindness is knowing your worth... and know that the other person is just as important. God doesn't see them any less, and neither should you and me.


-Gardenia Rose

That's what they call us. I think Jea or Cea (Camille), the clever e-sisters, were the ones who coined the term. I decided to write this now because i'm on an extreme high... off of love, that is. Some might say that's cheesy, sappy, gross, and whatever else they can think of, but I really am.

I've known Luis since I was the 9th grade. We had geometry class together. We became best friends in 2007 and though us and life have changed, we still remain close friends.

I asked him if there was a question that he wanted me to answer. He told he had one, but I had to take time to think about it... like really think about it. So I said would, and he asked:

This will be the first of many... but the first #TeamGardenZo throwback goes to April 27, 2010. Before I even knew this man existed, I wrote this small excerpt on my Tumblr which I thought would be interesting to share. It was called... intrigued.

INTRIGUED …of what summer is going to bring. i’m honestly extremely excited of what’s gonna happen in the summer. the uncertainty of it all, i have come to embrace it. i don’t exactly know what this summer will entail (though i have a slight estimate), and i’m beginning to be okay with that. it’ll be crazy exciting with a range of emotions, i’m sure. but whatever it is, i’m so down. so my sweet summer, bring it baby. i’m ready as i’m ever gonna be.

Weird right? This was a month and half before I even knew his name and I was telling summer to "bring it"... well obviously, now we know summer full on brought the house down and introduced me to the love of my life. lol. The funny thing was... the "slight estimate" I was referring to, wasn't what played out, wasn't what I thought it would be.

Well, like the saying goes... you never know. ;) That summer I was committed to letting my past go, not knowing that it would bring me to my future. (cheesy, i know. lol. but so true!) The year prior to meeting Lorenzo I was on such a roller coaster with everything-  a boy, close friends, school and even family. There were just lots of things happening in my life and I knew I had to just let things go so I can move forward.

When I chose to let all the negative go... I opened my life to new possibilities ...and that's when I met Lorenzo.

Remember when formspring was in? You can ask whoever you wanted, whatever you wanted. Say anonymously or randomly process your secret love to someone? (hey, it happens.) I wanted to start asking friends if they had any anything to ask me and, of course, I'd have to answer. It didn't have to be philosophical or profound, it just had to be a question.

A few days ago, I started asking my high school friends if they had anything they'd want to ask.

I've known Gigi (Angelica) since my freshman year, but we didn't get close until my junior year in high school. We have one of those rare social media friendships, where we see each other once or twice a year, but when we talk, it's like 2006 again & we're just in the choir room (yes, choir room) having all sorts of weird fun. She asked me:


Children? Oh goodness. Don't let Lorenzo hear that. He'll trip and get all paranoid. lol. I, on the other hand, am cool with idea. JUST the idea. To actually have children right now? I'd be lying if I didn't say I would be completely T E R R I F I E D.

When I was in high school, I wanted seven kids. Yup, SEVEN. (Cue the emoji with the big eyes and people spitting drinks out of their mouths.) I know, I was crazy. Then, it went down to wanting four children. Thinking to myself, I thought four was a good number... then I met Lorenzo.

He's the oldest of four so seeing age differences and craziness of it all (not that his siblings are crazy); having four was a lot to handle. In the back of my head I still wanted four, but I figure I can settle for three kids. Three children. That's a good number... Then Lorenzo and I got engaged.

When you get engaged, after all the ooh's and aah's semi-fade away, you start thinking... When's the wedding going to be? Where are we going to live? What's that going to be like?... and among the one million other questions, you ask... How many kids are we going to have?

One day Lorenzo and I sat down to talk about (dun, dun, DUUUUN)... our future. This was one of the few heavily debated topics (and sometimes it slightly still is...) because, needless to say, there was a problem. I wanted four and well, he wanted none. That's right. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

For a woman (a woman who wants to have kids anyway), that's a hard pill to swallow. (Let's not even talk about how cute our Blasian American babies will look. lol. jk... but seriously.) We had to talk about it. Why he didn't want any. Why I did. All the reasons why we should and should not have children. I ended up telling him that I at least wanted one. One child that was ours. I wanted to have his children... I really did, but if he's not up for it... I really would just like one.

After a lot of silence... he said okay. (Thank God!) I was already so happy.. but he continued. He said that if we were going to have a kid, we can't have just one... we have to have two. And i was like... whaat? Then, he explained. He talked about being the eldest and how lonely it can get. (I'm the youngest so I wouldn't know anything about that.) He wanted our child to have someone - to hate, to love, to mess with, to whatever, but just someone. As if it was still possible to fall in love with him, at that moment I did. I thought I was being selfless to only want one... but for him to completely be selfless and say it's best we have two was well... amazing.

So, there you have it. Two. That's how many kids I hope to have.

Any questions? ;)
-Gardenia Rose

Being that this'll be the last #WOW of the year, I wanted to highlight some lovely personal moments in 2014!

Our first day with our little furbucket.

Balboa Beach: where he asked me to be his girlfriend, where we got married, and where we celebrated our anniversary.

At Monica's 29th Birthday at the Santa Anita Race Tracks.

A quarter of my cousins from my mom's side of the family.

Since it's Thanksgiving tomorrow, instead of making a birthday post, I decided to make this week's #WOW about the ones I am thankful for. :)

They're amazing. When I say family... I mean my parents, my sister and her family, my husband's parents, and his sisters and brothers. That's my family. I love them. We might be crazy sometimes. We may not always see eye to eye or share the same perspective, but I love them so much. I'm so thankful to have both parents who fully supports Lorenzo and I. I'm thankful my sister and my brother (I don't really like the whole in-law thing), whom (who?) I can always count on when I need advice or just a listening ear. I'm thankful for their three little munchkins, whose smiles give me life. I'm thankful for my brothers and sisters who make me feel so short, but make me feel so loved. I feel so blessed to have them.
I'm so thankful for this guy. We've only been married for a little over a year, but I am extremely blessed to have him. He makes me laugh when I'm grumpy. He holds me when I cry. (literally. like a child.) He puts me in my place when I need to be corrected. He works extremely hard to give our little fam the life he wants us to have. I can always count on him to be there for me. He's just so amazing. I won't go on, because I really could do this forever. I'm just really happy to marry my best friend and share life with him. :)

and that wraps up this week's #WOW! Have a great thanksgiving everyone!
 
-Gardenia Rose

Today is officially the last day that I am twenty five. Looking back at this past year, I can honestly say that the quarter life crisis is real and this struggle exists. And now, I'm happy to say I survived.

When I turned 25, I literally began to question my whole life. What am I doing with my life? Is this what I'm suppose to be doing? Was I meant to do something else? Am I the person I want to be? Am I living out my destiny? Sounds cliche, I know, but it's completely true. All these questions, constantly racing through my brain.

The first half of the year, I was determined to get out of the "rut" that I was in. Trying to find a new job, doing a bunch of things... but just trying to find an out from where I was currently in. I was desperate and determined... but for the wrong reasons. I was "asking" God for help and direction, but I didn't exactly allow him to direct me either. So naturally, in all things that you try to do on your own, you fail. And I fail, I did. Hardcore.

Then, something happened in the summer. On July 4th, I was singing during a service and God spoke to me. I was praying and praying hard. Telling him I need him. Telling him I couldn't do it on my own. Asking him pull through for me. I just kept praying and praying. So wrapped up in my prayer and constant talking to God. I was taken aback when I heard his voice.

It was clear as day. It wasn't loud, or daunting, but it was just... clear. I didn't see fire. I didn't see the clouds open. A light didn't shine at me. It wasn't like a whisper, but it was like someone just talked into my ear. It's hard to explain I guess, but the one word that describes his voice is the word clear. There's something trippy that goes on when you realize it's not something you dream up and psych yourself up for, God talking to you and all... It just happens. When you don't expect it, but when you need it most. He told me that he was already there for me. That I need to let Him be there. Let Him do what he needs to do in my life.

So I am. I'm trying. Being human, it gets difficult, and you fail (a lot), but I told myself that I just need to be the best version of myself that I can be. Everyday. And just keep going. Keep moving forward. I still make mistakes. Things still get to me. Some things are still painful. Some memories still make me angry. But in my 25th year of life, I discovered that it's about the choice that you make. Your attitude is your choice. Your actions are your choice. So I try to make that choice everyday. The right one. There's days that I slip up. Sometimes, I have to make that conscious choice more than once a day, but I do my best to make it.

This is by far the most humbling and eye-opening year for me. If I could describe my 25th year in a phrase, it would simply be personal growth. In this year of life, my circumstance didn't change... but I did. I'm choosing to listen to God. I'm choosing to trust God. I'm choosing to be at peace... with whatever happens.

"Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you." -Deuteronomy 31:8 (NLT)

I'll tell you my life isn't perfect, because it really isn't. Nothing is ever peachy keen. But what I can say is... I'm happy. I feel blessed. I really do. and most of all... I'm at peace. So with all that said, I think I can say... crisis averted.


-Gardenia Rose

So after much debate (with my thoughts of course), I decided to make a blog. Major thanks to Cea (Camille) and Sam who have directly/indirectly pushed me to get a blog. I began writing all my thoughts on my Tumblr, but they would get lost in all my reblogs that I resorted to blogspot/blogger.

So here I am.

"Flower in the Flesh" is also the title of my Tumblr, but it basically stems from my inherited name from birth and from marriage. My full name is Gardenia Rose Bush. Yep, it's true. My name in itself has a whole story behind it, but we'll save that for later.

This blog is for my thoughts, my struggles, my joys, my loves, and pretty much anything that comes to mind. I am human in every way, shape, and form, so as they say... the struggle is real. There's always a lot more to the story & I want to share that here. Some blogs may be light-hearted while others may be a little on the heavier side of life... but that's all part of it right?

Anyway, I hope this introductory suffices. I welcome feedback, constructive criticism, & even just a hi from you! :) So here's to the randomness of life & this blog! Enjoy!

-Gardenia Rose